damned
by fixing a heart
Summary: it tortures her to think those damned words (fat), but she can't help it, most days. warnings: eating disorder


a/n: This is for jade (perfection in eloquence) because we both lost at battleship, so…this is what I had to write if I lost. My character was CeCe (obviously) and she gave me the prompts _eating disorder, _the cause was_ bullying, _and there was a_ goal of seventy-eight._

Tuesday. Sunny. Gray sidewalks, buildings, some copper-toned buildings. Gray, brick, copper, white, gray, copper, gray, brick buildings stand still as a pale thin girl runs past them. Her scarlet hair is pulled out of her gaunt face and her purple tank top is loose across her bony ribs. She runs in a different part of Chicago than she's used to {the only way, it's the only way and she knows it}.

She pushes herself harder than she ever has before- five miles- and when she takes a cab home, she feels terrible and amazing at the same time. She calls home, relieved when no one answers and runs in to shower. The water cascades down her fragile figure as she attempts to clear her head. But, as if on replay, the scene from freshman year plays back in her mind like it's a movie.

**[**_**"too …not my type."]**_

She furiously analyzed the girls he's dated in the past, confused. Maybe…he didn't like dancers? No, Kaley was a dancer. He…didn't like red heads? No, Olivia was a ginger under the blonde dye job and everyone knew it. Was there something they all were that she wasn't? She concluded the next day she didn't look the part, and she spent the rest of the night studying her naked form for her imperfections.

[fat.]

[that's what she decides.]

The word is constantly replaying itself in her mind. _Ana _knows what makes her skin crawl, so _Ana_ replays the words in CeCe's mind as if it was everyone important to her saying it: Rocky, Deuce, Ty, _her own mother_, even Flynn, all calling her fat.

Ana tells her, _"I can help you; you don't have to be fat. You can be perfect."_

[cece listens.]

_**["Being thin is everything, CeCe."]**_

"Please, please, just one more pound. At least. More would be nice," she mutters to herself, as she sheds her clothes to step on the scale. She closes her eyes, feeling slightly nauseas. "I'm not ready, Ana."

"_Of course you're not. You're weak. And you will never be happy unless you lose another three stones. We go through this at least twice a week. I want this for you, CeCe. Don't you want it, too?"_ Ana's voice drips with venom.

CeCe's stomach drops. _Three stones?_ She needs to lose thirty pounds before she can be thrilled by her image? She opens her eyes.  
110.4 pounds.

.9 down.

Ana is not going to be happy.

_**["Do not eat that, love. I know what is good for you. Skipping one meal is good for you."]**_

"Okay, um… 70 calories? I can work that off."

"_Put it down, CeCe."_

CeCe jumps at the sound of Ana's voice though she's been hearing it every day for over two months. "Please, Ana? It's just an apple. I can work it off. I'm so hungry!"

"_No, CeCe, you do not deser-"_

"CeCe?"

"Oh! Rocky, hi! Um…you startled me."

"Yeah, I could tell…who were you talking to? And what about calories?" Rocky stands in the lunch line and tries to peer over to see her best friend's tray.

The redhead thinks quickly with Ana's helpful "Lie, CeCe, lie."

"Anna, the… new girl, um, was over here. We were talking about…colors! In Spanish."

"There's a new girl?"

"Mmm, yeah. Anna."

She puts down the apple.

And the lies just keep coming, easier every time.

**[**_**"Your bones are beautiful, trust me, CeCe. Try harder and you can see for yourself."**_**]**

"Two hundred more crunches."

"_Right, CeCe. You're learning."_

"And then I can eat-"

"_No! No, CeCe. You want to be thin, you want this. You mustn't ruin it! You will gain it all back, you know."_

"Í know."

She finishes the crunches before falling asleep for the night, tears streaming her pale face.

**[**_**"It is never enough."**_**]**

"_What number, Cece? What number do you want to see? At the end of all this?"_

CeCe's head snaps up. Ana's never mentioned an end before. "The end?" She's about to stand on the scale for the second time that day. Her mother and Flynn have gone to bed, so she feels safer doing it like this. It's a little past eleven and she hasn't eaten anything today, with the exception of a small dinner to please her ever-suspicious mother.

"_The…breaking point. Now, CeCe, what number?"_

She thinks a minute, wondering what the breaking point means. "Eighty," she says, because it's close, and she's beginning to hate Ana and what she brings.

"_Think lower, love."_

"Seventy-eight. My goal is seventy-eight, Ana. That's it." She shuts Ana out for the rest of the night, but in the morning, she skips breakfast after weighting herself (87.3)

_**["You must never give in to the temptation, no matter how strong."]**_

She burns around 500 calories dancing on the show a few Saturdays later. She eyes a plate of cupcakes (250 per cupcake, and she doesn't even want to _think_ about the frosting) jealously as Rocky picks up two chocolate chip cookies (120 calories per cookie).

Okay, she thinks. I can eat one-_how about two?_- cupcake(s) and run…five miles? She normally would be disgusted (so many goddamn _calories_) but the hunger hurts and she's been so tired staying up to finish her daily crunches and she just needs a little energy.

She picks up a cupcake and fakes a laugh as Rocky shoves the cookies in her own face. "Ugg, gross, Rocky. Do you know what you're doing?" She doesn't know why she says it.

Rocky laughs after swallowing down the _(fatfatfat)_ cupcake. "Um, eating?"

CeCe laughs nervously and shoves the cupcake in her mouth, protecting her cover. "Yeah, um…I was kidding, Rocky! Take a joke!"

Rocky looks at her best friend curiously. "Um…what?"

"Nothing, Rocky. I…forgot what I was going to say? Mmm-hmm."

"Oh…kay, CeCe."

CeCe eats the rest of the cupcake.

"_You shouldn't have done that, CeCe. You will never be thin if you keep that up."_

And she nearly chokes when she hears Ana's voice in her mind.

"What's wrong, CeCe? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I- fine. I'm fine."

**[**_**"Food is the enemy. Calories are your downfall and they do not belong in you."**_**]**

When she gets home and her mother is in bed and Flynn is in bed and she's just binged and Ana's scolding her and she's admonishing herself and for once in her life, she feels like purging. She swore to herself she would never purge at the beginning of this (_what _is_ this?_) whole thing.

So she doesn't. She's never been closer to purging than she is now, but Ana has not taken over. CeCe reigns. _(Right…?)_

**[**_**"You must not show weakness. Strong girls are thin and beautiful."**_**]**

Tears flood CeCe's pillow later that night-early morning-, and she hardly bothers with her exercises. She doesn't want this. She wants Ana to leave her alone, and she wants to get help, she wants to recover, but Ana won't let her even _think_ about telling a single soul.

She finally breaks down, hating her body, her life, and mostly the voice in her head that tells her that she is not good enough every single second of every day.

"I-I _hate_ you, I hate the way you make me feel, and I hate you, and everything you've done to me!"

"_CeCe, you don't mean that. And you've done those things to yourself."_

"Yes, I do! I can't do this anymore! I hate lying to everyone and I hate you! And you've made me do them!"

Ana stays silent.

CeCe binges the next day, and she doesn't hear Ana (regardless if she's talking or not).

She eats breakfast (and Flynn notices).

She eats lunch (and Rocky notices).

She eats dinner (and her mother notices).

And she feels so damn good.

**[**_**"Above all, you must not stop. You want this, don't you?"**_**]**

"CeCe, what's going on?" Rocky's voice is suspicious, and suddenly, she's scared her secret is gone.

They're sitting on CeCe's bed after school, Rocky doing her homework, and CeCe painting

"Umm, I failed yesterday's math test?"

"Yeah, probably, but… I'm being serious. For the past three months, you've barely touched your food, and today you eat like your life depends on it."

CeCe pauses. _It's because my life does depend on it. More than your life depends on dance, or Gunter's life depends of glitter, or Flynn's depends on… whatever._ "My life does depend on food. And so does yours and…everyone else?"

"No. CeCe, look at me. Do you have a problem with food?" Rocky tries to make eye contact, but her best friend looks away, palms sweating.

"Rocky… I_-_I…Rocky, please, I can't talk about this." Tears begin cascading down her emaciated face.

Silence holds for a few moments.

"Yes," she whispers. "I want to stop, but she won't let me."

"Who? Who won't let you stop?"

CeCe pauses again. "She tells me I'm not allowed to eat, and I have to exercise all the time to burn every calorie I've eaten and more, she tells me to lie about what I'm doing and not tell anyone, and I can't stand it."

"But last night-"

"I blew it. I was so hungry and I binged and she yelled at me, so I binged again today. Rocky, I miss being able to eat without getting yelled at by a voice in my head," she says sadly.

"Who is she?" Rocky asks again.

"She calls herself Ana, like…" she trails off, afraid of what finishing the sentence would mean: admitting it.

"Like anorexia," Rocky finishes quietly, starting to cry as well.

"I need help, Rocky. Like, real, professional help."

"There's a facility in Chicago for girls with…your type of problem."

"I know. I looked it up this morning. The pictures are all of girls smiling and…I just want to be able to look and feel like me again."

"Yeah. I want that, too, CeCe. CeCe?"

"Hmm?"

"You have to tell your mom soon."

"Help me?"

"Of course."

**[**_**"You don't **_**really**_** want recovery, do you?"**_**] **

Ana's gotten through to her again. CeCe walks into the facility with Rocky and her mother and after they leave, they question her like answering some yes or no questions and some short questions in a monotone voice will get through to her. They weight her, but they make her stand the other way so she can't see the numbers. But she does want to know, so she asks in vain.

She hopes and thinks she's gained weight just to make Ana angry. "Please, ma'am, I think I've gained weight since I…binged yesterday, I just want to know-"

"Cecelia…" The woman sighs and pushes her auburn hair out of her eyes. "I can't tell you."

The woman, Ivy, leads her to her room. The walls are white, and she feels like she's in a mental ward. Ivy explains the procedures of the rehabilitation center, and before she walks out, she tells the skinny girl, "Seventy-eight."

CeCe is forced into thinking about the fact she just reached her goal. This is where she wanted to be at the end of this. _Please_, she prays,_ let that number be the end of this._

Ana tries talking her out of recovery, but CeCe shuts her out like she should have done the second she started hearing her voice.

**["She's gone."]**

The voice echoed through Rocky's head. She had never been so relieved in her life. "Do you still hear her?"

"No. Ana's gone, hopefully for good."

It's two and a half months later, and CeCe's just come home from the facility, after a final weight check (102).

"I'm glad your home, CeCe. You're starting to look like you again."

"I'm starting to feel like me again. I missed you, Rocky. It was hard without you."

"It wasn't any fun here without you. But the show had to go on, and now it can go on with you."

"Thanks, Rocky. I'm glad I told you. Recovery was good for me. I feel great. Do you want to get cupcakes from the bakery down the street?"

"Um…I thought you said you would never eat another because of the whole…downfall thing?"

"No. They tasted good and I was hungry. I'm hungry now, so I'm going to eat, yeah?"

Rocky smiles. "Yeah."

-fin-

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